A bit of a breather..

For all of you that have been waiting with baited breath for my next post...damn, I crack myself up. So the last post was the day before my birthday. Here's a recap of the last 2 weeks....

The birthday itself was fine. Went out to dinner with my friends/roommates and got lots of love from my friends. Nothing ever came of those jobs and the market seems to be drying up. That all sucks because I still need to make a lot more money than I do now. One good thing is that we have this project at work that I can get behind and I feel like I am making some progress. I still hate doing sales but I am doing what I can. Scary part is that I am on salary until October and after that, I am supposed to be on commission.

The lovelife has been going ok. Though I am still talking to the STBE pretty much daily we are being nicer to each other. The other woman and I have spent a good amount of time together and it feels really right. I can only hope that things are going to work out the way I want.

The divorce becomes final tomorrow. In our state, you show up, the judge does his thing and its over. My friends keep asking me if I am ready. My STBE keeps asking me if I am ready. Honestly, I am not sure how I feel. Part of me is glad that the STBE will get to move on with her life though I am still going to be part of it. Part of me is excited at the possibilities of what may come.

Sometimes there is no explanation...

After my last post, I am sure that all of you (LOL!) thought that I was going to drive off a bridge of something. I admit, I was down lower than ever before. But when the sun rose the next morning, I got out of bed and started my day.


Yesterday, I got to work and realized that I just didn't want to be at work. So I left. I spent the day with S. We were like a normal couple. We talked about things and honestly, she assured me that money doesn't matter to her. That it is the man I am that she loves. That somehow changed everything.

I got to my room last night and said, ok...let's change the thought patter. Life WILL get better. I WILL get a better job that pays well. I WILL pay off my debts. I WILL end up with the woman of my dreams.

This morning, I got up, dressed 100% (which means I put a tie on for work). There was very little traffic. I made a ton of calls and got some appointments and interest. And I got called by a recruiter about a job. Its a contract job but it pays really well. Not enough to go out and buy a new car but enough to make a dent in some bills.

Sometimes, it's all in your head.

End of the Road

As the rain starts to come down in drops the size of quarters, I have had it. I'm sick of just everything. There is not one thing I can look at and say, but at least I have that. Also came to a scary realization that this woman that I love so much, that I have thrown my whole life away for....I resent her.

Professionally speaking, in 2005, I did something that I thought was a good move then, and since my career has gone nowhere. I have bounced from job to job, always trying to recapture the money that I lost. Then that job would end and I would be back to the point of starting over for $30K. I resent her for doing what she did with it. I don't know if I will ever get back to the life I had at that point.

Now understand that I have no problem with my wife making more money than me. It has happened before and will happen again. But since I don't know if she EVER will be my wife, then I am just looking at what I bring in. Scary, scary thoughts.

I have had some scary thoughts in the last few hours. My friends own a few pistols and I had some thoughts surrounding them. Being dead will not make things easier for those left behind, I know that. And if I am dead, then I threw away everything and didn't even get the chance to find out what happened.

Another thought....I am a pretty good looking guy. I have been described as tall, dark and handsome by some. I stand 6'5, 240 (I can stand to tone more than anything), dark hair and eyes. And yet, I never get a second look. So it seems that I am as unattractive to women as I am to employers. This just gets better every minute.

The Hits Just Keep Coming...

I probably mentioned in an earlier post that I don't like my job. If I didn't, I don't like my job. See, I worked in a field years ago in a department I liked. No, loved. About 15 years went by and I decided that the best way back in was through sales. Well, I realize that I suck as a salesman. I have been at it about 2 months and haven't closed a sale yet. How I still have this job is beyond me.

I started to look for a job using my skill set about a month ago and have applied for 20-30 jobs all over the country. Last Thursday a contract position came up with my old company for basically my old job just in a different department. I instantly contacted the recruiter and reached out to the HR people that I know. This would help me so much as it would double my salary and cut my commute in half. Things could be so much better with that job.

Just found out that they got someone else! I mean come on. Why get someone new that will need to learn the job that I already know??? So again, I am stuck at this job until something else comes up, who knows when that will be.

I am just at the end of my rope and this Friday is my birthday. Happy fucking birthday to me.

Today would have been...

our 7th wedding anniversary. It does suck to know that we are spending the day alone instead of the way we expected. I made sure to stay busy but I ended up seeing her for a few minutes anyway. I spent the day out going to a hydroplane race which was cool. It reminded me of the fairs and stuff I have been to before.

I'm so not sure of what is to come....

Day 2 of the almost new life

Though I moved out Tuesday night, I had to stop at the house Wednesday morning. So it felt kinda normal. But when I drove home last night, I passed my exit. That was weird. I had to force myself to keep driving. That's when it hit me all over again. I didn't have a home. I had a place to sleep, shower, keep some stuff - but not home.

During all of this, the one thing I keep thinking is, will it work out with S? Will she choose me over the life she has? And the answer is always the same, 80/20 no. Not because she doesn't love me, that I know she does. But the life she has now with the exception of a partner and a real love is pretty good. She has a good job, nice home, money in the bank. I can't offer her anything but my heart. And here is a news flash....love doesn't pay the bills, buy jewlery or food.

I want to do so much for her, but I have screwed up enough in my life that at the moment I can't. It's funny, I can pinpoint where in the last 10 years to the minute I threw it all away. If I could take that 1 thing back, I would in a heartbeat. Would it change things now? Yes all for the better.

I guess now I have to truly start over. The divorce won't be final for about a month but really, that is just a piece of paper. Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?

Oh Happy Day...NOT

So last night I packed a big suitcase with most of the clothes that I need and I went to my friend's house. There I unpacked and started my new life. What a strange feeling it was. To know that what I had done to my wife had real consequences. And that I had to pay the bill for what I had done.

As I was packing, the STBe and I were talking about Congressman Weiner and his whole junk picture thing. She said "He was so smart and good, why would he do something so stupid?". My reply was "You do it once, you get away with it. You do it again, you get away with it. The thing is he didn't think. Not for a moment did he stop and think.". That is when it hit her. I wasn't talking about Weiner, but about myself. I never stopped to think how my actions were going to affect others and what could happen. I know it now, for damn sure. I went from a 2700 square foot house with my pictures, my stuff and my dog to a small room with only half a closet. Someone else's things on the wall, someone else's cats... Don't get me wrong, I love them for being good friends to me and helping me in my worst time.

I have had the thought of having a real talk with S. A "come to Jesus" talk with her to find out if this was a colossal waste to time or if there is a real shot. I know what she will say..first its the kid..then you never know what will happen, he might die tomorrow. Yeah, I can too.

Lastly, the job hunt continues and just is frustrating as hell. About 20 jobs applied for and nothing so far. Not sure what to do next. Any ideas?

A new mantra...it's kinda long

Life IS going to get better
I WILL get the right job
I WILL pay off my debts
I WILL make a smart decision about the "GF"

This is the new mantra that I will repeat to myself everyday. Some pretty successful people use self affirmations. Why shouldn't an idiot like me try it?

Oh and to top it off

June 1st. I decided that I have been too cavalier with my eating habits and it's time to get back on the diet. I hit the 100 pounds lost mark in September of last year. I have been hovering between 230 and 240 since then. Today I get on the scale and it screamed at me. 255! So not only have I let the rest of my life go to shit, my body has followed. Fun huh? Who is going to want to love a broke, fat, 41 yo 2x divorced guy?

What a night

Last night I got home and was going to talk to the STBe just about how I was feeling and stuff. But she had quite a bit of stuff bult up that she decided she wanted to let out. Sad part is nothing she said could be disputed. I fucked up big time.

There are times where I wish I could post what I am feeling at that time, but my damn phone won't let me!

I wish some people read this damn blog...

I need some advice. I have a job that I really don't like. I mean, I think you have to be a certain type of person to do outside sales/cold calling. I am not one of them. Don't get me wrong, I am great at building and maintaining relationships and getting people to trust me. But all they hear right now is give me your money. Like it's a mugging in Central Park.

So, do I tell my boss that this is not the right fit and see if there is something else in the company I would be better at? Or suck it up, hate getting up and coming here everyday until I land something else?

I think I finally have come to the realization that everyone else has seen.... my girlfriend is never going to leave her life for me. She might love me very much but not enough to risk to be with me. I don't want to believe it but all signs are pointing that way.

A serious realization....

This morning I watched a movie called "The Switch" with Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman. I'm sure you heard of the premise...best friends, girl wants to have a baby sans man, boy gets drunk and dumps donation of sperm in sink, fills it with his..tells girl that baby is his..girl realizes her love for him..happily ever after. During the movie, there are many times where the guy (Wally) is just going through the motions of life alone. Living alone, being alone on the train, feeling alone on a crowded NYC sidewalk. That's it...I'm going to be Wally.

Understand that I fucked up my life. And what will become of my life I truly do not know. Maybe I will end up with the girl of my dreams. Or maybe and most likely, I will end up in a relationship out of boredom. I don't know how to be single. I think I can do it but I always end up sitting alone somewhere I think I should be. For example, I went to a pro baseball game not long after this whole thing went down. 30,000 people there. All rooting for the local team as was I. But I didn't speak to one damn person besides the counter people at the concession stand. Not a hi, not a hello, not a WOW, did you see that play? Nothing. The other night, I left my STBe in the house and decided to go watch the game at the Applebee's down the road. Sat at the bar. Not that there were a lot of people to talk to but again, not a word.

Now this shocks the people I have told because I have been told I am such an extrovert. Which I am. I love talking to people but right now, I just can't seem to get any conversations going. The other thing I noticed during the movie is how I miss NYC. Maybe that should be where I move to next.

Another day...

Another day of uncertainty. So I don't remember if I mentioned my friends L&P. They have been very close friends for about a year. At times, I think that they have my back 100%. Other times I am not sure at all.

So my STBe wife's parents are coming in a few days for like 3 weeks. L&P offered me a place to stay and even beyond that. I thought it was kinda settled. Today, it seems like it might be a hassle. I am now thinking that maybe, I suck it up, save up as much money as I can and head back to my home state.

No friends, no wife, no place to live, no girl, crappy job...what else is there?

It's been a few days

Since I have been out of touch, how about a quick recap....

When we last spoke, I was having a shitty day. Just that kind of day where you want to crawl back into bed and not get out. Work sucked, home life sucked...you get the picture. SO at the end of that day, I reach out to a friend. This friend is someone I used to work with, well I was her boss. She and I became friends and are still in touch. I told her that I need to get a 2nd job to keep money coming in and to keep my sanity. She talks to her boss, then the hiring manager. Get his resume to the recruiter we use he said. OK, about 20 minutes later I get a phone call from the recruiter. We talk via email, fill this out, take this test. All done, passed the test and now wait. During the waiting, I am like this is a lock..like 90% sure I will have this new job. I can feel like the end is near for this crappy sales job. I start to actually smile. Friday afternoon, 5:30, I get the email...the hiring manager is not going to interview you. WHAT THE FUCK! This going into a long 3 day weekend. Great start huh?

So now I am back to having just the one sales job that I really don't like with no other true options on the board. FML.

On the home front, the STBE wife is having some major medical issues that required surgery. She got thru it fine but is still in quite a bit of pain. Who was there for her? Me. Maybe out of guilt, definetly

Could it get worse?

First, I know I am writing this for me but I do wish that someone was reading it. I would love to know what others think about my situation and what advice they have for me.

Now, I am so close to making a move here at work that could blow up in my face. I told you that I am working in sales, but honestly I suck at it. I am not good at prospecting for new clients and haven't sold a damn thing yet. But there are other departments here I might be a better fit for. Only issue is I cannot take any sort of pay cut. I need a pay raise to get me back up to where I was or more. So I am not sure what to do. Freaking out here a bit.

I don't want to waste my boss's time or my own, but if I keep my head down, I can keep getting paid while hunting for a better job. Feeling very lost....

I didn't expect that!

So this weekend I attended a parade. Not something I normally do but I went. This parade celebrated Military personnel so there were groups from the Air Force, Navy and Army since they all have bases nearby. The Marines had a small group as well. OK, so we are all cheering, hooting and hollering for the servicemen and women. The group of Vietnam, WWII, Korea, Gulf War vets all get their own trucks and applause.

Then a group marched by and the people were family members of those that died. Each one was holding a placard with a picture, name and dates. It felt like this went on for way too long. Then not one, not two but 3 trucks rolled by with the placards hanging down on the sides. I got choked up at the loss of life and the show of emotion by the crowd. It was something.

Then I get home and catch up on some of the shows I missed. The overall theme I got from a few shows was death. Either of people or of relationships. And I realized that I am the cause of a death. I killed my marriage. And I feel horrible about it. I know there is nothing I can do now but damn, I hate myself for causing this level of pain to my STBE (Soon to be Ex) wife and kids. I disappointed a lot of people including my family.

The root of all evil....MONEY

There was a time in my life where money wasn't so important. Probably because I had some. There were a few times I had a lot. After a few fuckups and some job losses, now I am one of millions living paycheck to paycheck. I could deal with it if I wasn't also trying to figure out how move out of my house. Oh yeah, then on top of that my credit is getting killed because we are behind on the mortgage.

I took a sales job that I am just not clicking with. Been here a little over a month and haven't closed a thing. It's tough selling when no one has money. I would rather be doing what I am good at, operations and management. So I work all day, being pissed off then I go home and job hunt again. With the change in my life, I am willing to go anywhere for a job so I am applying all over the country. Now you might be saying, wait didn't you just fuck up your marriage to be with this woman that is in the same town? Yes, I did. But until I can get some real inclination from her what the deal is I need to pay off bills. If it is the love I think it is, it should be able to survive me being gone for a bit.

But god, I hate money!

What this is about...

Over the last few months, my life has just crashed and burned. Let me say that it's by my own doing. Since this is anonymous, I can give you enough details to help make sense of this. But this blog is going to be about all facets of my life. From the things I'm thinking, feeling to stupid things like movie reviews.

Let's start at the beginning. About 10 years ago I met a woman. I was separated from my then wife, living apart. This woman was married with 2 kids. I know what you are thinking, and yes we started to have an affair. It was one of those things where we would get together when I was in town which was about every 6 weeks. I moved to the same city she was in and it continued. Point of notice - This woman is the ONE. I fell in love and fell HARD, like THE ONE. And she fell in love with me. The I Love You's are flying constantly.

Here is where it gets messed up.

I met a woman and started a relationship. We dated, got engaged then married in about 2-3 years time. She had 2 teenage daughters at the time who are now adults. Understand, I fell in love with this woman as well. In love with 2 women. During that time, I never really stopped talking and seeing the other woman. We got caught once. A little bit of time went by and we didn't speak. Sure enough, we started again and after about a year, we got caught again. So you would think that we would have learned one or two things. Either that or we would have made moves to be together. But.....

Fast forward 3 more years. We haven't spoken in years though I always thought of her. Always loved her. She was the one that got away until.....we ran into each other. Emails started flying, phone calls got more and more and we finally went out. We both escaped for a night. Sure enough that night my wife had a funny feeling and it led to a 3 day discussion about things. The fact that I still loved that woman. I finally said that I can't continue to hurt her by lying anymore. The nicest thing I could do in this marriage is end it. We filed the papers and it will be final in about a month and a half. The kids are of course very disappointed in me as well they should be. But I am their Dad and that won't change.

What will happen in the future with this other woman? I don't truly know. Do I want her to leave her husband? Yes. He is not a nice person and a crappy husband. But in the next few posts, I will just go on about thoughts and feelings. I need to have a place to put this, even if not a damn person ever reads it.