As the rain starts to come down in drops the size of quarters, I have had it. I'm sick of just everything. There is not one thing I can look at and say, but at least I have that. Also came to a scary realization that this woman that I love so much, that I have thrown my whole life away for....I resent her.
Professionally speaking, in 2005, I did something that I thought was a good move then, and since my career has gone nowhere. I have bounced from job to job, always trying to recapture the money that I lost. Then that job would end and I would be back to the point of starting over for $30K. I resent her for doing what she did with it. I don't know if I will ever get back to the life I had at that point.
Now understand that I have no problem with my wife making more money than me. It has happened before and will happen again. But since I don't know if she EVER will be my wife, then I am just looking at what I bring in. Scary, scary thoughts.
I have had some scary thoughts in the last few hours. My friends own a few pistols and I had some thoughts surrounding them. Being dead will not make things easier for those left behind, I know that. And if I am dead, then I threw away everything and didn't even get the chance to find out what happened.
Another thought....I am a pretty good looking guy. I have been described as tall, dark and handsome by some. I stand 6'5, 240 (I can stand to tone more than anything), dark hair and eyes. And yet, I never get a second look. So it seems that I am as unattractive to women as I am to employers. This just gets better every minute.
So I have noticed that I am your only follower. I don't even know how I came to follow you in the first place honestly. However, I do follow you and unlike some people you could have got to follow you, I actually read what you write and post on here.
ReplyDeleteAnd I have to tell you this. I may be young and not have a lot of "experience" in what some deem to be the real world but I know that there is a lot more to life then the amount of money you make and the people you meet.
You are in a bad place right now and that is understandable. It is also understandable that you are hurting. But the thing I have found most affective when I have been in situations like this? It is to keep going. It is to be strong. And I know this is hard and easier said then done but the only thing you can do is go on living.
Three years ago, I had cut marks all up and down my arm. Each night when I went to bed I begged to whoever was up there listening to take my life and not let me wake the next day. I was living with my sister, had a Great job, we had money to go do things, for being in our 20's we were doing great.
It all came crashing down she she betrayed me for some guy. I was at my lowest at that pint but I kept on going. It was the only thing I could do. I was kicked out, lost my job, and now live day to day wondering when I will next have money coming in.
But I turned it around and went to college and live each day trying to make the best of the worst.
I plead with you to do the same. It may not seem worth it right now but one day you will look back and be glad you made it through this all. Trust me on that one.
Wishing all the best and sending you a big ol' across the internet hug!!
~J~
Hi J,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for commenting and following. I am not sure how you found me either, but I am greateful that someone is reading it.
I appreciate your comments and I am looking forward to the next day. I know that it's not about money, but the type of person you are. For me, the money is the means to an end.
Keep in touch!