Sometimes there is no explanation...

After my last post, I am sure that all of you (LOL!) thought that I was going to drive off a bridge of something. I admit, I was down lower than ever before. But when the sun rose the next morning, I got out of bed and started my day.


Yesterday, I got to work and realized that I just didn't want to be at work. So I left. I spent the day with S. We were like a normal couple. We talked about things and honestly, she assured me that money doesn't matter to her. That it is the man I am that she loves. That somehow changed everything.

I got to my room last night and said, ok...let's change the thought patter. Life WILL get better. I WILL get a better job that pays well. I WILL pay off my debts. I WILL end up with the woman of my dreams.

This morning, I got up, dressed 100% (which means I put a tie on for work). There was very little traffic. I made a ton of calls and got some appointments and interest. And I got called by a recruiter about a job. Its a contract job but it pays really well. Not enough to go out and buy a new car but enough to make a dent in some bills.

Sometimes, it's all in your head.

End of the Road

As the rain starts to come down in drops the size of quarters, I have had it. I'm sick of just everything. There is not one thing I can look at and say, but at least I have that. Also came to a scary realization that this woman that I love so much, that I have thrown my whole life away for....I resent her.

Professionally speaking, in 2005, I did something that I thought was a good move then, and since my career has gone nowhere. I have bounced from job to job, always trying to recapture the money that I lost. Then that job would end and I would be back to the point of starting over for $30K. I resent her for doing what she did with it. I don't know if I will ever get back to the life I had at that point.

Now understand that I have no problem with my wife making more money than me. It has happened before and will happen again. But since I don't know if she EVER will be my wife, then I am just looking at what I bring in. Scary, scary thoughts.

I have had some scary thoughts in the last few hours. My friends own a few pistols and I had some thoughts surrounding them. Being dead will not make things easier for those left behind, I know that. And if I am dead, then I threw away everything and didn't even get the chance to find out what happened.

Another thought....I am a pretty good looking guy. I have been described as tall, dark and handsome by some. I stand 6'5, 240 (I can stand to tone more than anything), dark hair and eyes. And yet, I never get a second look. So it seems that I am as unattractive to women as I am to employers. This just gets better every minute.

The Hits Just Keep Coming...

I probably mentioned in an earlier post that I don't like my job. If I didn't, I don't like my job. See, I worked in a field years ago in a department I liked. No, loved. About 15 years went by and I decided that the best way back in was through sales. Well, I realize that I suck as a salesman. I have been at it about 2 months and haven't closed a sale yet. How I still have this job is beyond me.

I started to look for a job using my skill set about a month ago and have applied for 20-30 jobs all over the country. Last Thursday a contract position came up with my old company for basically my old job just in a different department. I instantly contacted the recruiter and reached out to the HR people that I know. This would help me so much as it would double my salary and cut my commute in half. Things could be so much better with that job.

Just found out that they got someone else! I mean come on. Why get someone new that will need to learn the job that I already know??? So again, I am stuck at this job until something else comes up, who knows when that will be.

I am just at the end of my rope and this Friday is my birthday. Happy fucking birthday to me.

Today would have been...

our 7th wedding anniversary. It does suck to know that we are spending the day alone instead of the way we expected. I made sure to stay busy but I ended up seeing her for a few minutes anyway. I spent the day out going to a hydroplane race which was cool. It reminded me of the fairs and stuff I have been to before.

I'm so not sure of what is to come....

Day 2 of the almost new life

Though I moved out Tuesday night, I had to stop at the house Wednesday morning. So it felt kinda normal. But when I drove home last night, I passed my exit. That was weird. I had to force myself to keep driving. That's when it hit me all over again. I didn't have a home. I had a place to sleep, shower, keep some stuff - but not home.

During all of this, the one thing I keep thinking is, will it work out with S? Will she choose me over the life she has? And the answer is always the same, 80/20 no. Not because she doesn't love me, that I know she does. But the life she has now with the exception of a partner and a real love is pretty good. She has a good job, nice home, money in the bank. I can't offer her anything but my heart. And here is a news flash....love doesn't pay the bills, buy jewlery or food.

I want to do so much for her, but I have screwed up enough in my life that at the moment I can't. It's funny, I can pinpoint where in the last 10 years to the minute I threw it all away. If I could take that 1 thing back, I would in a heartbeat. Would it change things now? Yes all for the better.

I guess now I have to truly start over. The divorce won't be final for about a month but really, that is just a piece of paper. Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?

Oh Happy Day...NOT

So last night I packed a big suitcase with most of the clothes that I need and I went to my friend's house. There I unpacked and started my new life. What a strange feeling it was. To know that what I had done to my wife had real consequences. And that I had to pay the bill for what I had done.

As I was packing, the STBe and I were talking about Congressman Weiner and his whole junk picture thing. She said "He was so smart and good, why would he do something so stupid?". My reply was "You do it once, you get away with it. You do it again, you get away with it. The thing is he didn't think. Not for a moment did he stop and think.". That is when it hit her. I wasn't talking about Weiner, but about myself. I never stopped to think how my actions were going to affect others and what could happen. I know it now, for damn sure. I went from a 2700 square foot house with my pictures, my stuff and my dog to a small room with only half a closet. Someone else's things on the wall, someone else's cats... Don't get me wrong, I love them for being good friends to me and helping me in my worst time.

I have had the thought of having a real talk with S. A "come to Jesus" talk with her to find out if this was a colossal waste to time or if there is a real shot. I know what she will say..first its the kid..then you never know what will happen, he might die tomorrow. Yeah, I can too.

Lastly, the job hunt continues and just is frustrating as hell. About 20 jobs applied for and nothing so far. Not sure what to do next. Any ideas?

A new mantra...it's kinda long

Life IS going to get better
I WILL get the right job
I WILL pay off my debts
I WILL make a smart decision about the "GF"

This is the new mantra that I will repeat to myself everyday. Some pretty successful people use self affirmations. Why shouldn't an idiot like me try it?

Oh and to top it off

June 1st. I decided that I have been too cavalier with my eating habits and it's time to get back on the diet. I hit the 100 pounds lost mark in September of last year. I have been hovering between 230 and 240 since then. Today I get on the scale and it screamed at me. 255! So not only have I let the rest of my life go to shit, my body has followed. Fun huh? Who is going to want to love a broke, fat, 41 yo 2x divorced guy?

What a night

Last night I got home and was going to talk to the STBe just about how I was feeling and stuff. But she had quite a bit of stuff bult up that she decided she wanted to let out. Sad part is nothing she said could be disputed. I fucked up big time.

There are times where I wish I could post what I am feeling at that time, but my damn phone won't let me!