Though I moved out Tuesday night, I had to stop at the house Wednesday morning. So it felt kinda normal. But when I drove home last night, I passed my exit. That was weird. I had to force myself to keep driving. That's when it hit me all over again. I didn't have a home. I had a place to sleep, shower, keep some stuff - but not home.
During all of this, the one thing I keep thinking is, will it work out with S? Will she choose me over the life she has? And the answer is always the same, 80/20 no. Not because she doesn't love me, that I know she does. But the life she has now with the exception of a partner and a real love is pretty good. She has a good job, nice home, money in the bank. I can't offer her anything but my heart. And here is a news flash....love doesn't pay the bills, buy jewlery or food.
I want to do so much for her, but I have screwed up enough in my life that at the moment I can't. It's funny, I can pinpoint where in the last 10 years to the minute I threw it all away. If I could take that 1 thing back, I would in a heartbeat. Would it change things now? Yes all for the better.
I guess now I have to truly start over. The divorce won't be final for about a month but really, that is just a piece of paper. Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?
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