I wish some people read this damn blog...

I need some advice. I have a job that I really don't like. I mean, I think you have to be a certain type of person to do outside sales/cold calling. I am not one of them. Don't get me wrong, I am great at building and maintaining relationships and getting people to trust me. But all they hear right now is give me your money. Like it's a mugging in Central Park.

So, do I tell my boss that this is not the right fit and see if there is something else in the company I would be better at? Or suck it up, hate getting up and coming here everyday until I land something else?

I think I finally have come to the realization that everyone else has seen.... my girlfriend is never going to leave her life for me. She might love me very much but not enough to risk to be with me. I don't want to believe it but all signs are pointing that way.

A serious realization....

This morning I watched a movie called "The Switch" with Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman. I'm sure you heard of the premise...best friends, girl wants to have a baby sans man, boy gets drunk and dumps donation of sperm in sink, fills it with his..tells girl that baby is his..girl realizes her love for him..happily ever after. During the movie, there are many times where the guy (Wally) is just going through the motions of life alone. Living alone, being alone on the train, feeling alone on a crowded NYC sidewalk. That's it...I'm going to be Wally.

Understand that I fucked up my life. And what will become of my life I truly do not know. Maybe I will end up with the girl of my dreams. Or maybe and most likely, I will end up in a relationship out of boredom. I don't know how to be single. I think I can do it but I always end up sitting alone somewhere I think I should be. For example, I went to a pro baseball game not long after this whole thing went down. 30,000 people there. All rooting for the local team as was I. But I didn't speak to one damn person besides the counter people at the concession stand. Not a hi, not a hello, not a WOW, did you see that play? Nothing. The other night, I left my STBe in the house and decided to go watch the game at the Applebee's down the road. Sat at the bar. Not that there were a lot of people to talk to but again, not a word.

Now this shocks the people I have told because I have been told I am such an extrovert. Which I am. I love talking to people but right now, I just can't seem to get any conversations going. The other thing I noticed during the movie is how I miss NYC. Maybe that should be where I move to next.

Another day...

Another day of uncertainty. So I don't remember if I mentioned my friends L&P. They have been very close friends for about a year. At times, I think that they have my back 100%. Other times I am not sure at all.

So my STBe wife's parents are coming in a few days for like 3 weeks. L&P offered me a place to stay and even beyond that. I thought it was kinda settled. Today, it seems like it might be a hassle. I am now thinking that maybe, I suck it up, save up as much money as I can and head back to my home state.

No friends, no wife, no place to live, no girl, crappy job...what else is there?

It's been a few days

Since I have been out of touch, how about a quick recap....

When we last spoke, I was having a shitty day. Just that kind of day where you want to crawl back into bed and not get out. Work sucked, home life sucked...you get the picture. SO at the end of that day, I reach out to a friend. This friend is someone I used to work with, well I was her boss. She and I became friends and are still in touch. I told her that I need to get a 2nd job to keep money coming in and to keep my sanity. She talks to her boss, then the hiring manager. Get his resume to the recruiter we use he said. OK, about 20 minutes later I get a phone call from the recruiter. We talk via email, fill this out, take this test. All done, passed the test and now wait. During the waiting, I am like this is a lock..like 90% sure I will have this new job. I can feel like the end is near for this crappy sales job. I start to actually smile. Friday afternoon, 5:30, I get the email...the hiring manager is not going to interview you. WHAT THE FUCK! This going into a long 3 day weekend. Great start huh?

So now I am back to having just the one sales job that I really don't like with no other true options on the board. FML.

On the home front, the STBE wife is having some major medical issues that required surgery. She got thru it fine but is still in quite a bit of pain. Who was there for her? Me. Maybe out of guilt, definetly

Could it get worse?

First, I know I am writing this for me but I do wish that someone was reading it. I would love to know what others think about my situation and what advice they have for me.

Now, I am so close to making a move here at work that could blow up in my face. I told you that I am working in sales, but honestly I suck at it. I am not good at prospecting for new clients and haven't sold a damn thing yet. But there are other departments here I might be a better fit for. Only issue is I cannot take any sort of pay cut. I need a pay raise to get me back up to where I was or more. So I am not sure what to do. Freaking out here a bit.

I don't want to waste my boss's time or my own, but if I keep my head down, I can keep getting paid while hunting for a better job. Feeling very lost....

I didn't expect that!

So this weekend I attended a parade. Not something I normally do but I went. This parade celebrated Military personnel so there were groups from the Air Force, Navy and Army since they all have bases nearby. The Marines had a small group as well. OK, so we are all cheering, hooting and hollering for the servicemen and women. The group of Vietnam, WWII, Korea, Gulf War vets all get their own trucks and applause.

Then a group marched by and the people were family members of those that died. Each one was holding a placard with a picture, name and dates. It felt like this went on for way too long. Then not one, not two but 3 trucks rolled by with the placards hanging down on the sides. I got choked up at the loss of life and the show of emotion by the crowd. It was something.

Then I get home and catch up on some of the shows I missed. The overall theme I got from a few shows was death. Either of people or of relationships. And I realized that I am the cause of a death. I killed my marriage. And I feel horrible about it. I know there is nothing I can do now but damn, I hate myself for causing this level of pain to my STBE (Soon to be Ex) wife and kids. I disappointed a lot of people including my family.

The root of all evil....MONEY

There was a time in my life where money wasn't so important. Probably because I had some. There were a few times I had a lot. After a few fuckups and some job losses, now I am one of millions living paycheck to paycheck. I could deal with it if I wasn't also trying to figure out how move out of my house. Oh yeah, then on top of that my credit is getting killed because we are behind on the mortgage.

I took a sales job that I am just not clicking with. Been here a little over a month and haven't closed a thing. It's tough selling when no one has money. I would rather be doing what I am good at, operations and management. So I work all day, being pissed off then I go home and job hunt again. With the change in my life, I am willing to go anywhere for a job so I am applying all over the country. Now you might be saying, wait didn't you just fuck up your marriage to be with this woman that is in the same town? Yes, I did. But until I can get some real inclination from her what the deal is I need to pay off bills. If it is the love I think it is, it should be able to survive me being gone for a bit.

But god, I hate money!

What this is about...

Over the last few months, my life has just crashed and burned. Let me say that it's by my own doing. Since this is anonymous, I can give you enough details to help make sense of this. But this blog is going to be about all facets of my life. From the things I'm thinking, feeling to stupid things like movie reviews.

Let's start at the beginning. About 10 years ago I met a woman. I was separated from my then wife, living apart. This woman was married with 2 kids. I know what you are thinking, and yes we started to have an affair. It was one of those things where we would get together when I was in town which was about every 6 weeks. I moved to the same city she was in and it continued. Point of notice - This woman is the ONE. I fell in love and fell HARD, like THE ONE. And she fell in love with me. The I Love You's are flying constantly.

Here is where it gets messed up.

I met a woman and started a relationship. We dated, got engaged then married in about 2-3 years time. She had 2 teenage daughters at the time who are now adults. Understand, I fell in love with this woman as well. In love with 2 women. During that time, I never really stopped talking and seeing the other woman. We got caught once. A little bit of time went by and we didn't speak. Sure enough, we started again and after about a year, we got caught again. So you would think that we would have learned one or two things. Either that or we would have made moves to be together. But.....

Fast forward 3 more years. We haven't spoken in years though I always thought of her. Always loved her. She was the one that got away until.....we ran into each other. Emails started flying, phone calls got more and more and we finally went out. We both escaped for a night. Sure enough that night my wife had a funny feeling and it led to a 3 day discussion about things. The fact that I still loved that woman. I finally said that I can't continue to hurt her by lying anymore. The nicest thing I could do in this marriage is end it. We filed the papers and it will be final in about a month and a half. The kids are of course very disappointed in me as well they should be. But I am their Dad and that won't change.

What will happen in the future with this other woman? I don't truly know. Do I want her to leave her husband? Yes. He is not a nice person and a crappy husband. But in the next few posts, I will just go on about thoughts and feelings. I need to have a place to put this, even if not a damn person ever reads it.